Going through life

I know I haven't been on for a long time, but a thought came to me and feel like this is important  (at least to me) to share. I was asked by one of my friends how I deal with life.  Today is also 4/20 which is a day of potheads to have an excuse to get high. First I want to make two things clear 1) I don't have a problem with people who smoke pot. That is their thing so be it. 2) I don't smoke pot nor I'm  planning on to at anytime.  It got me thinking is that if you are using pot to escape your problems and reality then there is a problem. It is as the same as someone drinking untill the problem  "goes away ".  It is one thing you do it for fun like at parties.  If you are doing it because  life is getting too much for you handle it then there is a problem.

I have my problems, my anxieties, mood swings, but I move on. I push forward  because I don't let my issues control me. I am a person and I take on life one thing at time and I push forward.  I am a preschool teacher and I want to show the kids that there is strong people out there and they can be strong too. That the "tools" out there to help escape it for awhile  isn't going to help. The problem is that people think pot and alchol will fix everything,  but it doesn't.  It only put the issues on pause for awhile and then you have to go back to it and the problems will just pile up.

Opening old wounds, making new ones

I don't like sharing this part of my life, but I need to get this out.  Someone might read it, maybe someone will, it might be someone I know, or it could be a stranger.  At this point, I don't really care anymore.  I'm not saying that I had a hard life, but my life wasn't easy. Growing up was hard. I never had true, good friends. I always got picked on by the other kids. What friends I did have, they would all leave me because someone would tell them not to for number of bullshit reasons. I would also get called a bunch of names.  I would tell a school authority, but they would play it off like it was nothing and that I need a thicker skin.  It was hurtful to hear that while you were 7-10 years old. Sometimes it got physical and I have gotten kicked or pushed in the mud. Elementary school was hell.

Home was hard. My parents cared, but it was hard at times. My mom was the only one working and my dad stayed home to watched my brother and myself. But my dad would drink all day and would occasionally get mad over the littlest things. I remember to this day my dad got mad at me because my grades weren't high enough (still in elementary school). He smacked me a crossed the face and I hit the wall. I can still feel the sting on my left cheek. I also remember when my parents fight, furniture would be every where. The earliest parts of my life was hard.

I am going through a dark time in my life right now. My parents are fighting and threatening divorce. None of them are talking to me or my brother. It brings back bad and painful memories of my childhood. I just need to get this out to help me get through a tough part that I hope isn't going to last long.

A real man

I have seen a few post from girls saying that they want a bad boy that is only good for them.  For me, I want a good guy. The type of guy that wants to do right by me, he is scared to lose me, that I am his world.

I do have that guy.  I have posted a few things about how I was unhappy with the relationship because it was all his fault.  The truth is yes, he got drunk and a girl came on to him.  She invited him to her room.  And you know what he did?  He walked away from her.  He sent me an email still drunk telling me what happened.  I was hurt and it hurt for awhile because I never got closer until a few years ago.   His whole time at Humboldt was a nightmare,  but when he hit rock bottom
And was kicked out, it has opened up his eyes and he realized that he needed to grow up.  You know what? He did just that, he grew up! He owned up to his mistakes and try to make right to everyone that he wronged.   Those people were his mom, dad, myself,  and most importantly himself.   If we can forgive and try to get pass the nightmare,  than what is your problem? Even when you acknowledge the positive results.

What makes a man?

He Is A Gentleman

He Is Direct

He Is Faithful

He Has Integrity

He Is Honest

He Is Mature

He Is Self-Confident

He Has a Positive Attitude

And now and the past year or so that Chris has grown to be all these things on that list.  He has always been a gentleman back in high school.   He helps me when I fall, holds doors open for me, walk me to my door, carry my bag, and when he can he pays for me (and you know what? I don't expect him to pay for me all the time). He has a direction of what he wants in life and he is working his ass off to get what he wants.  He has never once cheated on me, never and I can say that with confidence!  He had many opportunities to cheat and didn't.   A real man doesn't sleep with a million women, a real man love one woman a million ways.  He use to lie all the time,  but when his life was falling apart he need to change,  and guess what? He did! He is working hard to make the life he wants and he has been honest with his parents, me, and to himself.  He has owned up to what he did wrong and he is cleaning up the mess that he had made.   He is happy with himself and the way his life is going.

A real man isn't based on haw many women he can get, or how perfect he think he may be (aka God's gift to women).  A real man knows his flaws, his mistakes, and he tries to make it better and do what is right even if he was wrong.  He loves only one, he doesn't sleep around. He isn't proud about hurting women, or making them cry and thinks it is great success for him.

I am proud of Chris and what he is doing.  He made mistakes, but he changed.   He wants me happy and he wants to be the one to do that. He  does make happy, he treats me as an equal,  he values what I have to say, what I feel.  He is a good guy and he won't take advantage of people. He doesn't make me do things that I don't like.  I am truly happy despite what the naysayers think that they know (because they know crap).

If you are not happy,  if your "loved one" is making you do things that you don't want to do,  doesn't listens to you, has to have sex with other women, won't let you do your thing that makes you happy, won't let you  express yourself,  forces you to ignore your friends, you so he can booty...that is not a relationship...it is being a toy.

I can honsestly say I am happy with my relationship and my life. Can you say the same?

50 shades of issues?

There is a big debate about the 50 shades of Grey movie.  When the books came out, people made it a big deal as well.  I read all three books to see what the issue was about and found that it was exactly what to expect from this book [IT IS PORN!] It is like every other lady's romance novel.   If people is making a big issue about one book series,  then do the same with the other romantic novels and not single out just this one.

Another reason is the writing is horrible and/or it is Twilight fan fiction.   I agree completely with that statement!   Yes I didn't agree with Twilight nor did I like it!  I felt like it was a major let down and there was so much that could have been done with it.  I know what I was getting myself into when reading 50 shades of Grey and yes the writing was bad, but it wasn't to the point that you couldn't read the book.  For me it was a guilty reading pleasure.   I also found myself having a hard time reading books similar to it.

Some argue that it doesn't represent the BDSM community.   There is a difference between BDSM and a Dominant and submissive relationship.  It does uses the terms and what not that is used in BDSM and D/s relationship.  Though I do agree that in start of their weird relationship could be seen as date rape.   Others will argue that he is abusive, not BDSM or D/s relationship.   Yes he is abusive because the author added a twist (he had a drug addict mother and he likes to beat little brown haired girls that reminds him of his mother).  On a psychological point of view makes it interesting to read.

I'm not saying people need to read this book series or go to see the movie,  but I am saying that you should stop bashing it.  I thought twilight (both books and movies) were terrible,  but I am not going to make a big deal about it like people are doing about 50 shades of Grey.

Word of advice:
People need to stop raining on others opinions because the same can be done about the things that you like.  Don't like the book, don't like the movie?  Don't read it, don't watch it!

My 100th post (Women=objects?)

Awhile ago there was a shooting down by Santa Barbra because this guy wanted sex and didn't take rejection well. Though it was a long time ago and this can be put to rest, it still made me ponder this for awhile.  I watched his video and hearing him talked about how he was perfect and that women are a bunch of sluts because they didn't want to be with him, and they go out with other types of guys that he saw as annoying, ugly apes.  At the end of this tragic story is that this guy shot six people before taking his own life.

This is sickening that a guy thinks that he is God's gift to women and that the females of the human kind should be throwing themselves to him.  Well I am sorry to break the news, but women are NOT objects.

The sad thing is that there is some men out there who believe that women purpose on this planet is to be in the kitchen and serving her man.  Also that they should give up her body to him when ever he demand it.

I hope that with all the shootings that we had the past few months will be put to an end.  Also, women are not objects and that her body is hers and not of a man for whatever he wants with whenever he wants it.

Book Report: The Divergent Series

I have been reading the divergent series.  I finished book one a while ago, and I am currently working on the second book.  I am almost done with it and I will more and likely read the last book.  I find reading relaxing especially on a long work day.  I enjoyed the Hunger Games series, Lord of the Rings, Harry Potter, so on and so forth.  The Divergent series is an interesting series that I have read so far.  I enjoy it and hate it at the same time.

I have read many books in the past, but never to think to post my feelings on a blog about it.  But hey, why not?  I have been having mixed emotions about what I read so far.  This is completely my opinion, so if you loved it that is great and if you hated it then that is good too.

The two main characters are hard to stand.  The main character Beatrice, or as she is refer as Tris.  I get that wanting a new identity when going into a new fraction, but you can't come up with a better name.  To me it felt like the character is trying to be a bad ass with a pretty lousy one syllable nickname.  Through out the book, they play that she is truly selfless despite how she view her self.  Most of the book is about the love interest and being selfless for him.  Her parents died and there were a few ways she could have help.  She killed one of her friends that could have been spared.  But when it came to her boyfriend, she did everything her power to help him or snap him back to normal.  She also ruins every plan because she thinks she knows what it is best.  They play her as a special snowflake.  I was happy that there is more than two divergents in the book.  I do love when she did snap and screaming that she cannot be controlled.

The other character is Tobias, or Four.  He is the love interested and the high school girl's dream of the bad boy going good for that one lucky girl.  He comes off as a jerk and yet Tris keeps going after him.  They just met and they are already in love.  This romance is a little too Twilight for me.  They do not care for the fact that they only help either themselves, or the lover.  Rarely I read that they cared to help someone else.

I truly enjoy the concept, the minor characters, and the idea.  The hard part is the two main characters.  They are hard to like and that you do root for the other guy at times.  I hope that the third book gets better with both Tris and 4.

That is my book report so far on what I read.  Like I said before, you can agree with me or not, just remember that it is my own thoughts.

I'm sorry

Hey it has been awhile since my last post.  I got a new keyboard for my tablet and this a test to see if works.  So far it is working pretty well.  The title of this post is not for the lack of not posting much, but more of the responce to when someone says "I'm sorry."

The past few months I was thinking about how people react after I or someone else say "I'm sorry." I notcie that I get the same thing: "It's not your fault", "Why are you sorry", or "you didn't do anything."

Yes, thanking you for lettig me know that it wasn't my fault because I totally was trying to make your life hell!  I know that it wasn't my fault and that there is nothing that I can do.

When I say sorry, it doesn't mean that it was my fault, or that I am trying to fix what is wrong.  I say it because I feel bad that it happened, I feel bad that I can't do much to make things a little better for you.

What I  am trying to say is that there is more than one or  two meaning when apologizing.  Sometimes you can make someone feel like crap and feel worse when saying it's not your fault.

Word of advice:
Sorry is not just a black and white thing