Lately I've been feeling out of sorts and I don't know why. I love my boyfriend very, very much, but I still feel unhappy. When we hang out, I'm happy and I have fun with him, but when we are apart...I feel like crying. I'm not sure why...is it because I'm not happy with him, or is it that I'm not happy without him...I don't know.
Before I wasn't happy with him because I thought he was lying to me. I thought he was cheating on me with this one girl. He almost cheated on me with another girl his first year up at Humboldt. After that I didn't believe that he loved me...I didn't trust him...He says he loves me, but I feel like that he I'm his ticket out.
I don't know what to do, who to believe...Part of me feels that I'm not for him that he needs better. Some of the things he jokes with me...I feel like he doesn't want to be with me like he is finding away out of the relationship. Part of me feels like breaking up with him is the right thing to do...but part of me loves him and wants to be with him.
The part of me that wants to be with him can see myself marrying him, having kids with him. He makes me laugh. He tells me that he loves me and that he means it. He tells me that I'm beautiful and he does try to make me feel good about myself. He said that he would treat me like a queen and that he can see a future with me. We have so much in common and we do have a good time together.
But the part of me that feels like breaking up is the best thing to do because no matter what happens now and what he says...I'm still hurt from the night of him almost cheating on me. And the words he said about him being with other girls if he wasn't with me. I feel that he isn't serious with me and I still feel hurt and pain with some of the memories. And despite that he hasn't cheated on me...he did lied to me. He told me he never talk to the girl that I felt like he was cheated on me and then tells me that here and there he does talk to her. I'm never sure with him.
He changed so much that I don't even know who he is anymore. The way he talks and acts isn't him anymore. It seems he tries to be someone that he isn't. The person he is trying to be is kind of a playboy and tries to get with whatever girl he can. I feel that he is going to be like that...if he hasn't been like that already. That he doesn't need me anymore and want to be with every girl that he kind of likes, or likes him. Soon I feel he will start to see that I'm not enough, or good enough for him.
I don't know how to feel anymore, what to do...
Hey girlfriend!
ReplyDeleteSo, to start off, you ARE beautiful and you are one of the most sincere and giving people I know. So, never feel like you aren't.
Next: Being in a committed relationship takes work and trust. You know that already. Trust takes time. You guys have been together a long time. I have been with Marcus for way less than you guys have been together, but I trust him TOTALLY and COMPLETELY. I don't think you should ever question what your love is doing... Like...you should never think to yourself "I wonder if he's with another girl right now." You should know it.
Maybe he IS changing. But you are too. You are maturing and finding out what works for you and what doesn't. If his values no longer align with yours...I feel that it is time to cut loose.
Maybe you're afraid to be alone after having someone all these years, but you're never alone. It may feel that way once in a while, but once you know who you are completely and once you are okay with being just you again...that's when the confidence comes out and when you will find the right guy.
I'm not saying your man isn't a good guy. I know him. He is good. But maybe you need a break or something...
I think when you write these entries you are not letting everything out entirely because you want to be fair to him about the ways you are describing him. You know what, though? I say don't leave anything out. Just let it ALL out.
OH. I just thought of something. I don't know if you pray...but praying really helps me whenever I feel inadequet in any way. I don't ever get someone talking back to me with a voice, but I always get a feeling in my heart that everything will be okay and that I am okay. Maybe that will help.
Also, it is okay to CRY! CRY it out! Take time for yourself. Paint your nails. Shave your legs. Take a hot soothing bath. Sing as loud as you want. Watch some movies. Read a book. Learn how to grow a new plant like a tomato or something. If you are okay with you, you won't feel like you're not okay with him. Maybe he ought to be doing more to keep you. You are a fox and if he can't see that...it's time to move on. You're not the back-burner type of girl. You are AWESOME. Please remember that.
Love